The Supporter

Best actor in a supporting role. Best actor. Any awards show usually opens with the lackadaisical announcement of the best supporting actor/actress and always leaves the best actor awared until the end. As if to show the apparent quantitative difference between the supporting actor and the lead actor.

This has actually been quite an internal struggle for me. I grew up in a very competitive atmosphere. Where your best was usually not good enough. Success was measured not by your character but rather how well you did on standardized exams and if you could manage to make your parents proud by getting into a better university than the other kid down the street. Be the front runner. That was the mantra. The spotlight. That was the goal.

As I got older and decided to use my own brain I realized that the ideas we were fed were not in line with the type of person that I eventually wanted to become. When I got married I put a lot on hold. I was almost chastised for my decision. ‘You are going to put your medical school on hold?!’ I was asked over and over again. At the beginning I would answer by expressing my dreams about becoming a wife that would support her husband in his successes and failures and that our journey together would be much more meaningful than anything I would do on my own. The response? A blank stare. This happened so often that I began to think that maybe I was the crazy one. Until one day I realized most of the people who would ask me this question were also raised in a very similar atmosphere as myself. It was difficult for them to see themselves in a supporting role. Where there was no fame, no glory. It went against all their convictions.

It saddened me. For many reasons. But I must say, the greatest reason, was a selfish one. I felt that I was truly doing something remarkable yet no one saw it as something commendable. It became a personal struggle for me. I had to keep reminding myself, ‘This is the type of person I want to be. This is the type of people I want my children to be.’ The more I reminded myself the more I felt like a fraud. Did I truly believe in taking a supporting role? Had I truly let go of the independence and glory that a career would bring? The more I delved into my inner thoughts the more I realized that it was quite easy: I did not have to choose. It was okay for me to sometimes desire all the perks of being a career woman. After all, it is still laudable for those who choose to sacrifice for that cause. As long as most of the time I knew that what I was doing was just as commendable and even more so if I truly wanted to become the type of person who could be the ‘wind beneath someone’s wing’, if you will.

So anyway, some days I feel great about myself and other days I think about all the things I could have accomplished by now for myself. I know that in the future I will have the opportunity to do the seemingly selfish things I want to do but for right now it looks like my husband is in flight and I have to gear up for some major wind-blowing.

The Source

   These animals are not for eating. These animals are not for breeding. These animals are for nothing more than profit. Which animals? I am speaking of the animals that we, unfortunately, eat and breed.


   I added something new to my fasting these past two weeks. Consciousness of the source. The source of the food that I am eating. When I started my fasting journey I spoke of the importance of conscious eating. Conscious eating to me meant that I was eating foods that made me feel spiritually, physically, and emotionally whole. I felt whole when I ate foods that were at their purest state, where I could almost physically see the vitamins and minerals luminesce. However, I was missing something…

   I had just come home from a long day and I was very hungry. I felt that my body was calling out for protein. Part of conscious eating, to me, is listening to my body’s needs. And my body was saying, “Lamb chops”. I momentarily deceived my body by having a handful of almonds while I waited for my meat to cook. As I stood over the stove watching my meal tenderize, I began to ponder, “I wonder if this lamb was a happy animal”.I conjured up an image in my mind of a plump lamb lazily grazing in the fields.  After all, I am a firm believer in the transfer of energy. If the lamb was happily roaming the green lush fields eating to his heart’s content, while playing freely with his other lamb friends, then he surely would be transferring his happiness to me. I would be eating happy meat. I chuckled at the thought as I gathered my utensils and my serving dish. I plated my meal, lit a candle, and made one of the favorite drinks to ensure that the ambiance was just right for the “happy transfer”. I was famished and I was looking to feed my soul. Half way through my meal I felt uncomfortably full and surprisingly, a little queasy. “ This animal was definitely not a happy one” I said under my breath while pushing the dish away.
   After cleaning up, I decided to go on my computer and do a little research. And wow, did I get an awakening! After reading many articles on the living conditions of the cows, chickens, and other popular meats that we consume, I became nauseous. I realized that I was never conscious of the source. I was not thinking of the living conditions of these animals or what was being injected into these animals to make them available for mass production--I almost wanted to become a vegetarian. I say almost because I knew the answer was not vegetarianism. The problem was not the idea of eating meats, but rather the meat itself. This got me thinking about the Prophet (pbuh) and what he would say if he saw us eating meat in this condition. I convinced myself that he would be far from pleased and I vowed that I would not eat meat unless I was completely comfortable with its source. I am now eating with more of a consciousness and I am happy. Now, if only I could transfer my happy energy to these animals...

The Mundane

   I hate it when the mundane things in life take over your spiritual time. Without blame on the mundane, it is actually my fault. This week has been hectic. My husband was taking an important exam, my son came down with a cold, and I was completely mesmerized by the after New Year’s sales. I am only human.


   That is the beauty of this spiritual journey I am on. Sometimes I am right on (riding in the wagon), and other times the wagon is not even visible from where I stand. But I realized that fasting has really cured most of my ‘way off track’ moments. On any given week I am fasting at least two days a week. So if the normalcy called life happens, I still have something that keeps me in check. When a fasting day comes along, I am again reminded, that I am here on this earth for a purpose. For me, fasting makes me feel closer to that purpose. When I wake up in the morning to start my fast I know that this act is purely for God and for my spiritual well being. Why else would someone restrict the lawful pleasures of life? I am reminded every second of the day that Allah (swt) has sent us so many blessings and that while going through our routine, we forget. When we break that routine, we begin to realize how lucky we are to even have a routine. I now appreciate the mundane. Simple things like my morning cup of tea and a stroll with my baby through the neighborhood bring so much pleasure. They bring happiness because I know I get reward for appreciating Allah(swt) gifts. The more that I am conscious of my blessings the more I am in touch with my spirituality. One should always be in a state of genuine consciousness whether it is while eating, while interacting with people, or even while relaxing at the end of the day. Your sense of purpose will be that much closer. We all fall off the wagon in search of our purpose, this is normal. Just own it. So next time you see me rummaging through the sale at Bloomingdales, just know that I am probably trying to convince myself that my purpose in life today is to find the perfect sunglasses for my weekend getaway.

Wake Up

Yes. And Yes. That will be my answer if you ask me if I am hungry or thirsty. I am supposed to be hungry, I am fasting. But please don’t let that throw you off. And please try to look beyond that. I do. I am trying to test my limits and sometimes one has to do something drastic to wake up one’s heart.


A few years ago I was getting ready to start my first year of medical school and was desperately trying to wedding plan (yes, that is a verb) all while trying to maintain a meaningful long distance relationship with my then fiancé. I would wake up in the morning thinking of what books I needed to buy for the new school year, and what kind of invitations I wanted. I realized very quickly that I did not have time for my spirit. As hard as that was to admit, it was the truth. I was so enveloped in my worldly activities I had put my religious activities on the back burner. I was consumed with the idea of the perfect flower arrangements, the most elegant bridal gown, and the tastiest lobster bisque (I didn’t even know what lobster bisque was but I was convinced that I had to have it at my wedding).

I spent hours preoccupied with these thoughts, yet when it was time to complete my five daily prayers I would be praying as if my prayer rug was on fire. This pattern continued for a while until one day I was performing my Isha prayer and suddenly I felt a sense of panic. I could not breathe. It was as if someone had taken my lungs and decided to use them as stress balls. I realized I was having a panic attack.

After many weeks of coping with these new attacks I realized that Allah (swt) was trying to wake up my heart. My heart had to beat hard within so I could remember that it was there. It was neglected and it was in need of my care. Those few weeks of panic attacks made me realize that I had forgotten my values and my priorities. It was time for a change. I reluctantly gave up on my dream of a three-flavor four-tier wedding cake, and I began to focus on my relationship, my school, and my heart. I knew I had to do something drastic to wake up my heart. I had to go cold turkey and I did not look back. When I finally did have my wedding, it was beautiful. It was beautiful in the fact that I was marrying a great person, my entire family was present, and there was a sense of tranquility that only Allah (swt) could provide. I realized those were the only ingredients that I truly needed for a perfect wedding. After all, lobster bisque isn’t that good anyway--right?

Image Courtesy of: http://www.finessefotos.com/images/wedding_cake.jpg

Deep Within

   Instinctively, a sick animal resorts to fasting. It realizes that its health is compromised so it retires to somewhere calm and secluded and abstains from eating. Instinctively. But where has our instinct gone? The more physically, psychologically, and emotionally sick we get, the more we eat. This defies our nature. Allah (swt) supplied us with an inner voice. Most people have stifled it to a mere whisper. In some it has become silent. We need to retrain ourselves, to once more, hear our inner voice. If we were to genuinely listen, we would hear something completely different than what we have been accustomed to hearing. Most of us have trained ourselves to believe that ‘taking a pill’ is the solution when we are physically, psychologically or emotionally unbalanced. We go about abusing our bodies, pouring in toxins, be it through food, environment, or thoughts; and we do not want to accept responsibility for our toxicity. Instead we think that it is not our fault that we are not at our optimal health, “Oh it is the Qadar(will) of Allah (swt)”, we say to ourselves. While everything is by the will of Allah (swt), we need to stop justifying sickness. Sickness is not a normal part of life. Say that with me now. Sickness is not a normal part of life. As shocking as that concept may be, Allah (swt) created our bodies to withstand harsh environments, harmful microbes, and even the intentional or unintentional things we do to our bodies. But there comes a point. A red line, if you will. And we have crossed that red line. Used and abused. And we need to stop. We need to take responsibility for our health and realize that we do have a critical role in our vitality, and honestly—all we have to do is listen to our inner conscience. I am not saying that we need to go out and try to change all aspects of our lives. All I am saying is that Allah (swt) has supplied us with a precious tool within and we should take advantage of its benefits. Next time when you are not feeling well, please dig deep and listen; and you will realize that your inner conscience is definitely not telling you to “go ahead, have that third helping of dinner”, rather, it is probably telling you, “rest, relax, do not abuse your senses, and take it easy on that fried chicken”.

Silence is Golden

  Two ears one mouth. We were told in grade school that this was a sign from God that we should listen more and talk less. Although a commendable quality, most of us don’t follow this school of thought. Everyone desires to be heard, yet we have little interest in listening. A paradox.
   We are encouraged not to engage in excessive talk while fasting. Obviously, one is not going to go throughout the day giving quick responses to questions just to avoid talking. Rather, the point is that maybe we can train ourselves not to misuse our time in vain talk. Being a woman, I am very aware that gossip is the main course at most social events. It is almost a struggle to entertain ourselves with something else. I am not just talking about talk that involves defaming another person. I am speaking of excessive conversations about the latest trends, the newest celebrity couple, or even the 101 annoying traits of our husbands. Even this sort of talk has an effect on our soul and decays our hearts slowly.

That is why when I started my fast I thought of this Hadith Qudsey (I cannot attest to the authenticity of it but, nonetheless, I found it to be inspiring):

In the narration of the Prophet's heavenly journey (Me'raj) the following has been narrated:

"O' Ahmad! Do you comprehend the outcome of fasting? 'No.' Replied the Holy Prophet [s]. 'The outcome of fasting is less eating and less talking.' Replied Allah, then explained the outcome of silence and less speaking as follows:


'The result of silence is wisdom; the result of wisdom is enlightenment; the result of enlightenment is certainty; and when a person attains the Exalted spiritual position of certainty, then he does not care how he starts his day, whether with ease or hardship, and tragedy or comfort. Such is the state of those who have attained the position of content, and whoever attains this position acquires three inseparable characteristics: thanks (shukr) not contaminated with ignorance, invocation, not mixed with forgetfulness and love not mixed with the love of others.'

So maybe enlightenment is not so far away after all.

The Contemplation

   My mind is so crisp. My thoughts so vivid. I can clearly feel serenity in the distance. It feels like the quiet after a warm rainstorm. I cannot feel more at peace. I reflect on the day's events as I watch the sun disappear languidly below the horizon. How I wish to be entangled in the bright oranges and pinks in the sky. As if I were looking at an orange and raspberry sorbet just waiting to dip my spoon. My hunger pangs are momentarily forgotten and replaced by gratitude and humility. “Oh Allah, thank you for the gift of sight, oh Allah, thank you for the gift of insight in which I am able to appreciate your bounties”, I quietly say under my breath.

   I reach for a moist date and slowly bring it to my mouth, I can already smell the sweetness and I anticipate the flavor. Yes, so sweet. I feel a rush as the sugar from the date permeates my blood. I can almost feel the heat as my body starts to adjust to being fed after a long abstinence from food. How can something so simple give so much joy? We are truly blessed, yet we are so greedy. This avarice stems from the yearning to find acceptance. We think, “If only I had … I would be happy, I would be acknowledged by others”. At this moment, I feel no greed, I feel no desire for worldly things, I just feel Allah’s grace. Oh, how I wish time would stop. Will you not just stand still? Please… And just as quickly as the feeling came, it went, I was once again reminded of my humanness. The growling of my empty stomach brought me out of my deep thought, and I knew I was limited by my desires. And I was saddened by that thought that maybe I will never be able to reach this peak of contemplation again.